Adrift - I Think I Forgot How to Laugh
I’m not sure if I need a friend, or maybe I’m fine without one. The last time I truly laughed, a deep, heartfelt laugh, was back in school, surrounded by my friends. Time has dulled that memory, and I think I have forgotten how to laugh.
People say it’s just a phase, that it’ll pass, but mine has clung to me since 10th grade. Maybe it’s because I chased a dream, something I wanted so badly, but I fell short. Then I was pushed into a path I couldn’t grasp, stumbling through a year and a half before it made any sense.
I feel like I am Pakistan, lost in grand hypothetical fantasies, or goals, as I would call them, with no real achievements to show.
Right now, I’m adrift, unsure of what I’m doing. My days pass by eating, sleeping, and more sleeping, with the occasional escape into a few non-useful books.
I cherish solitude, but it’s suffocating me lately, slowly draining me out.
I don’t want to end my life; my heart won’t let me, because of my mother. She’s my world. She’s retiring soon, and she has given me everything, more than I could ever ask for. I wish to repay her, to ease the burdens she’s carried for me, but I’m lost on how to do it.
I don’t know what God has written in my destiny, but if it is to call me to Him, I would find peace in that.